Another Trip Around the Sun.
12.15.2020.
About two years ago, while listening to English singer-songwriter-producer NAO's album Saturn, I was first exposed to the term "Saturn's Return.” Usually, I am not a horoscope-type of person. Nothing against them, I just read them for entertainment purposes. But something about it seemed to resonate with me.
Basically, the idea is that your Saturn's Return is an astrological event that happens when the namesake planet orbits the sun to the exact place it was when you were born. It is believed that this occurs between the 27th and 30th year of one's life.
It's also believed that during this pivotal season in one’s life major choices/changes must be made. Realizations crystallized, letting go of what doesn’t serve you. Rejection of certain things and total acceptance of others. A full embodiment of who you are, what you represent, and what you stand for. A clarity of vision emerges as you shed dead skin for a more suitable, authentic fit.
When I was a kid running around Brooklyn, New York, I used to think anyone in their twenties was already "old." The foolish naivete of youth. I chuckle at the memory now. I don't judge that kid too harshly. He didn’t yet understand all the cool shit that comes with age.
I know what it’s like to be afraid. I know what it’s like to overthink. I know what it’s like to doubt yourself. I know what it’s like to feel less than. I know what it’s like to feel unworthy. I know what it’s like to feel lost. I know what it's like to feel alone. I know all of these feelings all too well. I've learned from every single one of them. I’m still learning from them.
Life is not linear. We oscillate between ups and downs. We're susceptible to feeling the full-range of human emotions. If 2020 has taught me anything most vividly, it's gratitude. To be grateful for life and your loved ones. To be fully present when sharing the same space, or conversing on the phone (or Zoom). To not take any moment for granted. Sometimes cliche’s hold truths. Moments are true gifts. Because we'll never know just how many moments we have left. Take advantage of every one by actually being in it.
I've made so many mistakes. I've hurt people I claimed to love. I've lost angels. I've lost friendships. I've quit on people that deserved more from me. I’ve let go while I was still being held onto. And so much more I take full responsibility for.
This year has provided the uncanny opportunity of sitting with oneself and deeply looking inward. I was a legend at trying to escape myself. Trips out the country, constant getaways, drowning in abused substances, emotionless intimacy and any other distractions I could bury myself with.
I know what it's like to be in incredible rooms and hate every moment because you're not being yourself.
I know what fear feels like.
And I also know what it feels like on the other side of it.
When one day you realize, these things don't alleviate the pain. When running from yourself is no longer a healthy, viable solution. After all the indulging -- and there was plenty -- you're still back where you started: with yourself.
That inner work is so beautiful. It's liberating to know that even your interests are vastly different. Even the people you allow into your space changes. Intention is everything. Intention is paramount. Joy matters. Family matters. Community matters. Health matters. Creativity matters. Laughter matters. These are some of the main priorities for me. A more holistic lifestyle is incredibly appealing going forward.
It's cool to be a kind person. It's cool to be empathetic, to yourself and others. It's really cool to be yourself unflinchingly. It's cool to dance to the beat of your own drum. I'm so thankful for growth, maturity, love and family. I'm so grateful for another trip around the sun.
Be kind. Stay safe. Keep dancing.
And most importantly, always remember: EVERYTHING IS LOVE.
From,
JSR.
Montego Bay, Jamaica. (Jan 2019.)